What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 03:03
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
How can I remove decimals in math?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
At what stage in your life did you realize, "No, I can't do this any more" and walk out? Why?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
What did i know ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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It was going to be , some day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Comes on , in middle age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So, i spoilt her more .
When she asked me how she looked .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
All the time i was locked up.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I waited trembling.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We all went to grammer schools
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were not on the streets..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She married twice! .
Would this be the day?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My family never makes their pension either.
Who then, do I blame.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was scared of men, in general
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I said to her
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Put me off passion for life!!
I will be 64.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I have no regrets .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was seconnd youngest,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it wasn’t much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i lived it daily.
Im still living with it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I write beautiful poetry .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is soul school!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He knew the spot.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She loved him until the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My life is so biszare .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was in good health!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was very sick at this time too.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She wouldn,t have been !
Especially a lifetime of it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She found it foreign!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ive learnt so much.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot live in the past .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Was to survive, this bastard.